So you want to be a tattoo artist...

We've been getting really busy at the shop so i guess the average ratio of times i'm hearing this is going to increase proportionally, but i'm choosing to let it all out here instead of creating a crude high velocity pollock imitation on the wall using ballistic paint brushes out of brain, skull and vitrious fluid.

so, you've just watched LA ink and the 3 minutes of tattoo footage interspersed throughout the close-ups of Kat Von D's cracked out ass, has given you a major case of puppy love for this craft, i and many others have dedicated, and i mean DEDICATED, their lives to, and you wanna be a tattoo artist.

if this sounds like you, go be an accountant or a landscape architect or a crab boat fisherman or an ice road trucker or hell, an american picker. DO NOT become a tattoo artist. trust me, everyone will be happier that way.

if you always got A's in Mrs. Applebaum's junior high art class and your friends and family are frequently heard to say 'you are so totally an amazing artist and i should know, because i can't even draw stick people.' go to art school, because i can say with 95% confidence...without even seeing your artwork (if you even HAVE a portfolio) that your 'art' would be better off on your mom's refridgerator rather than PERMANENTLY on someone's body.

if you DO have a 'portfolio' and it contains more than 3 evil clown faces and/or one mushroom creature, re-read the above, because YOU SUCK!

if you LOVE ART AND CREATIVE EXPRESSION!!!! of all mediums and want to learn to tattoo because a)you would love to try it. b)it seems like it'd be super fun. or c)it would fit in so nicely with your other artistic passions of interpretive dance, pottery and microwave cookery. GO POUND SAND! repeat after me...TATTOOING IS NOT A HOBBY. go express yourself with a magic marker and a cabbage patch doll (do they still even make those??) i've got tens of thousands of dollars invested in equipment and supplies and tens of thousands of hours invested in learning and practicing my trade.

if the thought EVER occurs to you that 'i can teach myself!' or 'its too gosh darn hard to get an apprenticeship so i'll go to a tattoo school/substandard tattoo shop that'll accept ANYBODY as long as the cash is green,' just STOP. if you honestly, sincerely try, and honestly and truly have what it takes, you'll get your chance...it may take time, and a lot of rejection but you will. if the legit way just isn't working out for you its because seasoned, experienced professionals can see if you have potential or not. LISTEN TO THEM. if you try to go around tradition, buck the system or cut corners...you're probably not going to be very successful because you didn't have what it takes to get a proper apprenticeship AND you'll be laughed at and/or despised by respectable tattooers.

the tattoo gods are sadistic, greedy and demanding motherfuckers. and they demand SACRIFICE a whole SHIT TON of it to keep them happy.

i mentioned the money and the time
of course that includes blood, sweat and tears. literally, not figurative
throw in sleep, you won't get a whole lot of that, especially if you want some sort of life outside of the shop.
moving hundreds of miles from family and friends will likely be necessary
most of your relationships will implode, unless you find a VERY understanding S.O.
your health will go down the shitter, bad backs, necks, carpal tunnel, eye problems
pride, dignity and self respect often get put on the back burner
be prepared to be humbled and humiliated
STRESS, oh they fucking love stress
and getting FUCKED OVER...A LOT!!!

these are just a portion of my offerings, the toll i've payed for the journey so far to be a tattoo artist. and each and every one i would pay again and again and will continue to...GLADLY, because i love tattooing to my core. i am it and it is me. if you can't say the same, or aren't prepared to do the same GO FUCK OFF TO FILM SCHOOL!! maybe you can blow some TV producer and get to be the best boy on Topeka Ink. we'll ALL be better off